Dearest Helena:

Since Luke pined for Holly more than he ever admitted to Laura:

Since Luke now lets us in on the fact that Teethan is the RealSpencerHeir, and Lucky the Cop was some sort of mistake that he now cops to not understanding, or liking

Since Luke had a child with another woman while married to and ostensibly treating like the ' love of his life,' Laura

(Pardon me while I throw up at the insult to JJ's Lucky and GF's Laura)

Helena, Please come back and kill Luke for us. Slowly. Make the character suffer.

Run him over with a car, freeze him with a weathermachine, kill him with CassadineDeathJuice (TM)
and reanimate him just in time to poison him, drug him out and shoot him in the heart.

Come on Hells. You've been wanting to do this for over thirty years now. The ultimate power play.

And, wait even better....kidnap Teethan, lock him up, brainwash him, and then kill him -- while Luke watches...and *then* start in on Luke.

Queen of the Damned...Do your stuff!

If I was writing GH today....

Assuming I could not get certain actors back.

In the small department of "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." I'd leave Robin and Patrick just as they are.

I'd recrcreate Victor Cassadine, the one surving great uncle of Nikolas, to give him more family...and have Nik do a quest, a search for him...as his entrance story. (Stefan said Victor died in prison, but lying, obfuscation and surprises are encoded in any Cassadine's DNA.)

Do a whodunit with Ric's death....with many suspects, a classic soap staple.

I'd break up Carly/Jax, (but give her back to Sonny) and redo Jax/Alexis as the real deal. (Ingo would just have to suck it up and play romance with an older woman.)

Sonny/Carly/Alexis/Jax would have to hold war councils every week this summer to figure out what to do about MyKill and Kristina.

Jason kills Jerry and the Claw, but is unfortunately caught and imprisoned for at least a year.

(I need time off from the Stare of Constipation.)

Send Luke to his death, prison, or Paris. It matters not which. Tracy should be romanced (for real) by Victor Cassadine.

L and L 2 would reunite, but with some angst, because a recast Sarah Webber would return to go after him.

I Never Thought I'd say this...

But "Go Ethan." As far as you know right now, Holly Dearest left you on the side of the road and forgot about you for 20 years or so.

I didn't hate Ethan yesterday. Doesn't mean I won't today...

Summer Rumors culled from Soapzone:

MyKill and Kristina are a pair. (Ok,I'm good with that, provided SORASED Kristina is played by as good an actress as Nu Michael is an actor)

Alexis will be humiliated. (The writer of this POC show is such an obvious mysoginist, it's beyond pathetic. And before the Peanut Gallery asks..."Do *you* have any better ideas?* As a matter of fact I do. See next post. Thank you, the management.)

And Now, Back to Our Program...

Botched Hits,
Exploding cars,
Shot Kids,
Machiavellian Plots,

Pathetic Writing for those over 40.

A 'depression' storyline just ending for May Sweeps. [WTF?]
A Con artiste stealing Patrick and Robin's *House* for Chrissake.

The compleat redrawing of Luke as a pathetic drunken @$$ who is freaked out by his own kid. (and would rather have another Con Artist as a spawn. Gods forbid he be proud of his existing son. )

Sonny as a tool of the Wicked Witch of the Zaccara's who couldn't take out a mob enemy if she were led to the site, filled the gun with bullets and *pulled the trigger herself!* Jason as a secret keeper, Jax as a secret keeper. Oliva as a secret keeper.

No humor. No real banter.

What? You'd Rather Not watch that?

Cool. Hit this link and reaffirm why GH used to be the best soap ever.

Let the Holy Choirs begin...

The boy formerly known as Baby Opie, the Q destroying story-bomb, has awakened....

And he's pissed at Carly (Bwahahaha.)

I haven't written about it before today, because until the Young Teen Terror gets a wuv interest, I'm apathetic.

It's good that he and Sonny are bonding, (sue me, I like Sonny's anguished guilt ) but I'd like to see Michael connect with his *first* Q-napping adoptive father, Jason....

And Michael will of course be fond of the queen of hits gone awry, Claudia....which will peeve off Jason and Carly.... I think he'll remember in Nov Sweeps...and then Claud will be marking time.....

Why Guza's Writing Has the Gourmet Delight of A Velveeta and Spam Sandwich

Late thirties/early forties Olivia...cousin of never-really-caught-on-Kate[so, why should we care about Olivia?]....will get busy with twentysomething Junior Mobster John Zaccara by Wednesday. And they don't even *know* each other yet!

When I was a soap mad adolescent it was about a slow pull from hijinks into romance, (Grant + Hepburn anybody? Nik and Nora Charles? ) or the love-hate relationship that you just *knew* was going to end up in the sack.


Or yes, the lonely on-the-rebound thing....but you'd get at least a couple of *weeks* of odd looks across the table or just 'happening' to bump into each other somewhere....

Guza has always seemed to view soaps as a game of Battleship, or Lego's or Play Dough.

Stick together any two people as long as they're shiny enough and then take them apart and immediately stick them to some other game piece.

Even in soaps, that's a fairly mechanical process to apply to a creative medium.

Friday "Cliffhanger" (Spoilers)

Well I never thought I'd have sympathy for the spawn, but there it is...

He's quite lost.

And I never thought I'd feel any sympathy for Luke again either, but here's Holly the loose woman come to play him like a piano, and he will let her. Luke is now not only Puke-tastic, let's add Pathetic to the list of P's shall we?

Alexis line of the day, "I married a cheater, I slept with Sonny....I mean who in their right mind would sleep with Jerry Jax?"

(raises hand!!!!!)

She's now come to lecture Nik about Rebecca the Aunt Who Has No Room to Talk about People It is Profoundly Unwise to pursue an Intimate Liason with.

I agree with her though. Rebecca is Hells Tool of the Moment...Nik realizes it on some level (He wasn't raised to be a complete fool.), but Nik doesn't care. Sigh.

(Come to think of it, neither do I -- but that's neither here nor there, is it?)

Jason trying to pin Claudia like a naturalist with a straight pin and a dead butterfly.

She should be utterly clear now that he knows, and if Saint Jasus wants to live up to his name he should Tell Sonny Now.

But this is Guzawriting and so he won't.

Happy Friday GH watchers...

Just When Did We Jump Into Parallel Time

Or maybe it's another dimension; the Star Trek Mirror Universe, anything...

Was it May 1999 when Jonathan Jackson's Lucky "died" in the fire?

Was it the first Sonny/Carly hatesex in November of 1999?

Was it Mad Labs in 2001?

Was it the Luke/Tracy Marriage?

Or was it just within the last two weeks when Mr. Guza, the writer who began by destroying couples, and has clearly advanced to taking a metaphorical pickaxe to the show itself...

He has Luke admit to cheating on Laura, roughly at the time of Lulu's birth (since Lulu and Ethan are clearly close in age...)

Then he makes it worse by saying that Laura *knew* about the infidelity and was "very understanding. "

Puke

But really, it's just the most painful part of the swamp of uninteresting goo that GH is now.

Showing sex between the least appealing 'filler characters.' (Diane and Max? Ewwww.)

Foisting a parade of disconnected newbies on the viewers....

with the exception of Dillon, who was a Q, every newbie since Sage and Angel make my teeth ache.

The mantra of "All Women Over Forty are portrayed as Pathetic Losers."

Changing an appealing psychopath into Jerry Jacks (?) and *then* dumping him...

The gutting of the Cassadines, the best villainous crew on soaps.

Having so many Extra Women for Sonny that he'd best set up a harem just off the main house.

Let's count shall we?

He had Kate....

But also Olivia is onscreen.

And then there's the Limosex with his ex (Now Jax's wife, like that matters) Carly.

Hotel boink with Claudia that turns into a marriage of convenience.

Good God Sonny. Just call yourself a polygamist and get it over with.

Ditching the nasty, but perversely watchable Anthony Zaccara.

Losing Dillon, Ned, AJ Alan....because you know, the Q's were never heartwarming, wacky or funny....or touching.

Like I said, Collinwood's East Wing....parallel time. Or the Mirror Universe.

It sure as hell an't GH anymore.

Cancellation cannot come soon enough.